A Guide for Toddlers
1. Ensure you wake 30 minutes after your mother has fallen asleep. Make sure you use the tone of whimper that is never noticed by fathers, or cough, or call out for a missing toy.
2. Keep on the act even after your mother has looked after you, thus making her so thoroughly awake that sleep will evade her for at least another 60 minutes.
3. Wake up with the birds and let everyone know you’re awake.
4. When you and your mother have a nap, wake early.
5. When you’re awake, have a few tantrums. Those wear out mothers if they’re already sleep-deprived. Best to have a tantrum over things which are hard to fix, or use totally unintelligible words so your mother can’t work out how to assist you.
6. Demand delicacies and/or unsuitable food or drink ALL DAY. Refuse the finely-prepared meals that are presented to you. Scream if you feel up to it.
7. Holler and splash as much as you like during your bath, refuse to get out, holler some more while being wrestled into pyjamas, scream while having your hair brushed, and complain about being made to wear a nappy.
8. Make everything right by telling your mother “I luff you!” while giving her a hug and kiss before going to sleep. Prepare for the next 24 hours.