I feel lost. I don’t know where my musical identity has gone to.
Several years ago I gave up working on my solo singing. Up to that point I had spent (in total) probably thousands of dollars over the years on private tuition, travel, sheet music and more. I was a good singer. Adaptable, musical, sensitive, flexible tone, and more. I sang at weddings, worked in competitive choirs, got into motet choirs, and earned some extra money that was certainly very helpful.
But nobody wants a fat soprano. Net result: no stage or oratorio roles. Losing weight while fighting asthma with cortisone is pretty hard and on occasions, next to impossible.
So before DD was born, I decided to ‘retire’, ha ha, such as that is. I spent a month in a funk, missing participating in music, then DD arrived and I was busy again.
Now after a break from solo and choral work, I’ve returned to choirs again and I love it. I’m not as rusty as I thought I might be. (Thank goodness.) My voice is not in fighting form yet – takes time to toughen up, so to speak. But getting better all the time. Can’t wait to get back to Mozart’s Alleluia. Obviously still no solo roles. I’m still fat and unattractive, still dieting, still on cortisone, and obviously I’m older than when I was previously auditioning and there are more beautiful, talented, and skinny gals around. I accept that. I am trying hard to accept that I am not gorgeous enough for oratorios. For crying out loud, it’s the music! But … this is a small city. Singing is a closed shop when it comes to certain roles for classical music.
Maybe I should move into cabaret/comedy, which scares and thrills me.