26 Oct

And bewildered, muddled, sad, angry, sad and confused again.

There’s a reason why I’ve been away for a month.

My dear husband passed away suddenly. A heart attack while he was out on a walk. For several hours I’d worried myself silly trying to find him, phoning hospitals, getting people to drive around the neighbourhood to see if he’d broken his ankle, and finally phoning the police.

Two police officers arrived. They told me. I think I screamed. Thank goodness my DD was in bed.

I had what could be seen as a day of grace before all the relatives and phone calls started. My two dear girlfriends took me to their heart and protected me from having to phone so many people. As one left, the other arrived and we companionably cleared out the fridge and freezer. A mundane task that had waited until a moment of stillness to be completed. No conversation necessary. Just hard work of sifting through yet another packet of rissoles with freezer burn.

Then there was the trip to the morgue. Apparently it isn’t called a morgue anymore, but that doesn’t make it any prettier. I have officially listed it as Canberra’s second least attractive building.

I don’t know what happened at the funeral. I sat as though in a dream or maybe a waking nightmare.

Now I am dealing with the bits and pieces and huge decisions and unwanted and useless advice that come with such tragedies. When I get myself together, I’m going to write a post about dumb things that people say too often and that are insulting or unhelpful or patronising. That can wait until another time.

In the meantime, I am working out what I am as a widow. I liked being a wife to my DH.


Posted by on October 26, 2009 in family


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14 responses to “Confused

  1. Lisa

    October 26, 2009 at 11:44 pm

    I noticed your comment on Mollycodles and it led me to your post.

    I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and the callous crazy thing that people say. I have had loss too and people, I think, are trying to be nice but it comes out so wrong.

    I’m getting ready to have my quiet time and I will pray for you and your family, for more “days of grace”.

    • meowmie

      October 27, 2009 at 10:18 am

      Thank you for your kind thoughts.

  2. andrea frazer

    November 4, 2009 at 5:20 am

    What???! Oh no! I am sorry. I truly truly am. If there’s anything I can do from where I sit in L.A., please don’t hesitate to ask.



    • meowmie

      December 4, 2009 at 9:25 pm

      Thank you, Andrea.

  3. City Farm Girl (Jenn)

    November 5, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    I also saw your comment on Molly coddles. I’ am so sorry. It is good that you reach out to people when you are ready. Just know that there is a whole group, a mob even, of mothers, here and around the world that support you. We’ll be thinking of you and the tough road ahead.

    • meowmie

      December 4, 2009 at 9:26 pm

      Thank you, jenn.

  4. kim.hormonecoloreddays

    November 30, 2009 at 12:11 pm

    Oh gosh, I’m so sorry to first be seeing this, and I’m so sorry for your loss. Please know you’ll be in my thoughts.

  5. Kristina

    November 30, 2009 at 12:24 pm

    HI, I am so sad to read this about your husband. I feel bad for reading this so late a month after the fact. You’re a regular commentator at MOMfo and I feel like I kinda know you (I also read your blog, tho I read certain blogs in one big chunk, like once a month and I’m sorry I missed this). I don’t know what to say, and I don’t want to add to the stupid things people say, but just know that I’m sorry and my heart feels for you and if I can do anything, please let me know:

    kristina (dot) sauerwein (at) me (dotcom)

    Meanwhile, take care, Kristina

  6. Sprite's Keeper

    December 2, 2009 at 12:23 am

    Oh, sweetie, I just read about this over at Kim’s place. I’m so sorry!
    I wish there was something I could do to help you, but I am sending all my support that I can send for you and your daughter and I hope you’re healing some.

    • meowmie

      December 4, 2009 at 9:26 pm

      Thank you.

  7. Betsy

    December 4, 2009 at 12:16 am

    I’m sorry. I don’t pretend to know you, other than a regular Momfo reader, but I find myself aching for you. Keep breathing.. in and out… and holding your daughter tight.

  8. Mommy'sD*M

    December 4, 2009 at 5:22 am

    I know that not much can help you right now, but I am truly sorry. I cannot imagine what it would be like to pick up the pieces after such a loss. We’re all here for you, praying and sending the best of wishes/thoughts your way.

  9. Marcy

    December 4, 2009 at 7:05 am

    Wow, I am SO sorry. I haven’t been checking Momfo for a while so I hadn’t noticed your absence. Jeez, all sorts of supportive wishes are heading your way from Switzerland.

  10. empty refrigerator

    December 5, 2009 at 11:38 pm

    What an absolute nightmare. I can’t comprehend it, and can’t begin to comprehend what you’ve gone through the past few months. I am so, so sorry.


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