Nearly a year now

15 Sep

It’s been nearly a year since DH died. Part of me is amazed that so much time has passed and I haven’t arranged with the foundary for a memorial for his ashes. Nor have I cleared up the house from the extraordinary amount of clutter.

The other part of me is (forgive me) relieved that it is nearly a year. For some reason, I was thinking “If I can get through a year, then I might be OK.” Who knows whether I will or not? Hope has been the only thing propelling me some days. My faith has been wobbly, contentious, vague, and argumentative and I have given myself permission to tear a strip off so-called Christian people who give me crap about ‘Trust in the Lord’, rubbish about perfect love and all things working to God’s purpose, and how God sees time. Y’know, if that’s the best you can offer someone, just shut up. Just shut up. Nobody wants to hear that. Not even a year on from someone’s death. I have been let down by people who think they are God’s representatives on earth because the only way they want to help is by prayer because (God help them) practical help may actually require that they be uncomfortable or give up some free time or think about another person in a real, concrete way.

Good things? Well, some of my friends who are not Christians have been the greatest comfort and help in the past year. Their kindness and love has known no bounds. They have accepted me as an imperfect person they still love. Some Christian friends have been loving and have helped me in dark times.

Here is an article on “The way we grieve now” by Piper Weiss. I disagree with Claire Bidwell Smith who says:

once you share your coping rituals, however odd they may feel, you’ll find you’re not alone and not crazy at all. Then, you can start moving forward.

Um, what? I don’t think “SHARE” is the word. “Admit to self” perhaps. But honestly, I don’t want to hear about others’ coping mechanisms and they may not wish to share it. Far more important to work it out with oneself and see it for what it is. That’s all.


Posted by on September 15, 2010 in grief



2 responses to “Nearly a year now

  1. andrea frazer

    September 17, 2010 at 1:59 pm

    Meowmie – As a Christian, I can honestly understand exactly what you are going through in regards to not wanting to hear rubbish. I doubt stuff all the time. My current favorite doubt is “Why pray at all if God already has a perfect plan for us?” I mean, if he already has everything figured out, then what is the point of getting my hopes up!? The only thing that brings me strength is the idea that it will bring me closer to relationship with him. And maybe, some day, I will get the bigger picture. And of course, that’s not what you want to hear at all, so I’m putting in good thoughts that you find your way towards peace, whatever that is. I am thinking of you. If i am praying for you, I won’t admit it. So there.

  2. meowmie

    September 17, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    Hey, I don’t mind if you pray for me. 🙂 I do the same for others and myself. The bigger picture may come some day but in the meantime, I am glad that I worship a god who is bigger than myself, and tougher and smarter than myself.

    I guess what was annoying me a lot in my situation were the local people who would say those things as an ‘out’ to avoid having to do something with their hands.

    The good thing is that I have been alerted to a need to be equally honest with myself in my own life. To not offer things that I can’t provide, for example, to admit again that I don’t know all the answers, and to be led by others in working out what it is that that person and family really need.


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